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Fleeting Carrots

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May 10, 2012

a collection of contextualizing prefaces

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a collection of contextualizing prefaces
This is a thematic preface to several posts to come. I start with breakfast cereal, of all things. Reading the package of Bob's Red Mill oat bran, I was swayed by the claim that it would make a "delightful breakfast cereal." However, after throwing in enough sweet ingredients to overdose an ant, I was still unable to identify any part of the mush as "delightful." But I kept eating it, because it wasn't as bad as other meals, and I wanted the experience. So, I began to think about other breakfasts, and people, and projects, all as I slowly cooled and consumed the "delightful" food. As I neared the end of my meal, however, the last few concentrated and cooled bites were a bit sweeter and more enjoyable. And I then reflected on the bananas foster French toast I had made previously. I thought of how good it had tasted and all the "delight" it gave me. But then
I realized that during the French toast, all I had thought about was French toast. Afterward, the sugary fullness made it hard to think. But the mediocre oat bran gave me an opportunity to pause, as I cooled it, and reflect. Granted, part of why I made the French toast was to take my mind off the morning. But I discovered something of value in the material I chose to digest that wasn't immediately "delightful" as well. The reflection was valuable, and oat bran is filling, but the pause to think was what made it delightful to me. I had to redefine delight. A preface to learning about conversations and values. Also, writing "French toast" is laborious. Capital letter "f" that.
I find myself asking who I am. Asking who I am, I find myself. There is no single "right" or "true" answer. I left that comfort behind what feels like a long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away). Breaking down mental processes, rethinking how I think, there's no returning to a safe, simple, sterilized world (though it's not always frightening). As I typed in an earlier post, I'm relearning how to write by hand. My print is still terrible, but I've considered training my left hand, as it's easier than retraining my right. I've taken a particular liking to "g's" and "y's" as letter forms. "j" is by far my favorite, however. In fact, I based an entire signature on the barbed appearance of that "j" stroke. [signature] The texture of this paper makes drawing a smooth signature difficult though...
I got carried away one night. After hours of reshaping my handwriting technique, I decided to reshape my signature. In retrospect, I like the word play of "sign" and "nature" beyond the connections to McLuhan. A handwritten representation of name, authorship, symbols and forms, identity and individuality (multiplicitly), astrological sign as well as nature. I created formal lines to resemble a scorpion, though I do so sparingly. An entire signature created around the first letter of my name and its resemblance to a barbed hook in my rewritten form of writing. It's the inverse of an actual tail on a scorpion, but I don't mind. It's not about "realism" when the impact is the same. It's not about being able to read the name as much as the symbolism. To be clear, I see astrology as an imperfect metric for defining personalities, much like others. But I do see myself as an intimidating figure at times. Not the most approachable creature, a scorpion. And I recognize this as I work to become a more approachable person. Granted, handwriting blog
posts, although associated with being personal, is not a connection point for most. But connection points shift. My small taste of grad school has changed me. How, I can only begin to say. I'm becoming more conscious of my limitations and strengths, recognizing things that have shaped me in ways I would never have recognized without these experiences. I'm reflecting on my own reflection process to change how I learn who I am. I'm pushing myself to listen and ask questions to facilitate conversations. Some days I note my improvement, and others seem as if all bridges are on fire. At least lately they've been unintended, though that doesn't prevent any burns. Sometimes it helps open other paths though. So, I've spent a lot of ink writing that I've transformed and will continue to change as I live. But, the upcoming posts on teaching, communicating, and learning (all of which fit together) will have substance and value beyond personal, handwritten reflections.
Because, through this transformative journey, I've learned a few things. But one of the most important things I've learned is that knowing, telling, facilitating, and showing are all different things. So, I can only attempt to offer what I hope will benefit others, now that I'm re-envisioning myself. Or, get ink on my fingers. And yes, I enjoy writing by hand and making a signature. Deal with it.
at 5/10/2012 06:52:00 PM
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